Love Letter to Kali

 

Beloved Goddess,

I knew you first as loving Mother; a gentle protectress, a sure comfort and loving presence. Someone I ran to when I felt afraid; both seeking and finding certain peace in your soft embrace.  Mother, you were She Who calmed my racing heart and soothed my furrowed brow whenever I woke from a nightmare. So devoted to my need, you always came to me with endless compassion each and every time you heard me crying in my sleep. Ever ready to slay the demons hiding under my bed. Always willing to fight battles for my honor, for my privilege to keep the peace. Ever my faithful nurturer!  

No longer that shy little girl, I am a woman, grown. Now, whenever I confide in you some heartbreaking betrayal, a short-lived torment, or just a hint of trembling from a wrong done me, you become ravenous! Ravenous!!

Honestly, Kali, though I am still sometimes afraid of the dark unknown, I am secretly more afraid of you than my own silly fears! There is so much about you that terrifies me! I cower when the disembodied primal fears are revealed within myself. I shiver when I hear the skulls at your waist rattle. I silently scream whenever you look in my direction! I even quietly whimper, and want to close my eyes to avoid looking at you; naked, bloody and wild eyed! What has become of my dear sweet Mother? Why must you be so fearsome? And why must I be so weak, and still afraid of shadows? Were you always this scary? Have you changed? Or, have I? Was I sleeping? I didn't notice... When did you become the bloodthirsty embodiment of destruction? You have always been the fearless force against all evil, but why must you sever heads and parade them about with pride? I understand why you feel the need to trample Shiva - but why must you appear just as evil as the forces you annihilate? And, what is it that makes my face feel like a contorted mask of harsh judgment and serious repulsion even while writing this letter to you? Why is this so? Where did my precious Mother go?

Yet, I can't help wondering, is it only myself that I truly fear? Mother, it's not really you that frightens me- just the things you do... 

Sometimes, when you're not dancing like a wild banshee, and the blood isn't smeared across your face, I see you. I still recognize your deep love for me.  And, I see just how brave you truly are! I know without a doubt that you are protecting me; and on more levels than I am even aware. So, perhaps, it's a kindness that I am blind to all the evils of this world. Perhaps, it's out of sheer benevolence, that you do the things you do. Because you know the purity of my heart, Mother - you know just how tender and incapable I am of bearing the fullness of the evils rampant all about me - Is this why you purposefully frighten me with your façade of superficial horror and scare tactics?  To keep me safe! 

Kali, you are awesome! 

You shatter all illusion of time and death! Yet, my belly still tightens, making me feel sick to my stomach at just the mention of some of the unspoken atrocities others suffer. Atrocities far more vile than anyone can fully see, comprehend or grasp. Thank you Brave Mother for being a shield for the innocent, like me.
  
Let them fear me, I hear you say- Let them fear me, rather than die of shock, utter disbelief, unconscionable  revelation, and sad disillusionment. Let them fear me rather than know the true evil that wages war on the spirit of love, on the innocent children, on the romantic dreamers, on the not yet emotionally mature, and the weary hearted. Let them fear me, instead, the Mother who loves them forever and ever.

Mother, will I ever really grow up and be as brave as you? Will I ever see from a higher perspective and know that I have nothing to fear? That the gruesomeness of life is actually for our highest good? 

My own daughter understands you better than I. She calls you a Wicked Blessing. She says she sees you, as she does the time lapse films of death and decay - showing the dead returning to source for peace, healing, renewal and transfiguration. How wise she is.

Truly, I honor and deeply respect your necessary sacred mission- your dark wisdom, your Goddess-hood. I see through the horror you endure to protect me. Dark Mother, I know you are a cleansing force for love; it's only your actions - the killing, beheading, the blood in your mouth - the hunger for such heartless violence and wrath, that terrifies me! Although, I know and understand that you are correcting an imbalance, that you are defending the delicate, the innocent; and all your actions are acts of righteousness, I just stupidly question your methods... and who am I to do so? I who know nothing of the fullness of creation.

I know that you are not rampant chaos without a purpose. No, you are destruction for the good of all your children - tearing down what isn't serving us, so that life and goodness can flourish -  You are doing the nasty job that no one else is capable of - no one else has the fullness of love to do! 

A wicked blessing, indeed!

Thank you.

-Yours devotedly